Just take a step.

For years I have felt the universe pulling me in the direction of sharing my story. I have shared pieces throughout my journey as a creator in the realm of jewelry making. But the nudge to write the words has become stronger and stronger. I have started blogs and started memoirs and started email lists as time went on, but have never stuck to it; taking my writings off the radar of the public sphere, archiving posts and not keeping my circle in the loop. The message I am getting now is that this is no longer an acceptable option.

I have had no other choice but to look in the mirror and ask my self, why?

Why do I start and not keep going? Why do I post and then hide it? Why do I show up and then fade away into the background?

Fear.

That is what is there when I look in the mirror, when I feel in to the emotion behind my lack of action, fear is what is there.

Fear. Backed by limiting beliefs. Negative feedback patterns. Self doubt. Trying to think my way through everything.

I had to move through awareness of those internal issues. .

I acknowledge and honor these feelings and internal events for doing their job, for allowing me a feeling of safety, even if just a veil.

Then I must consciously let them go, every time they arise, acknowledge, honor, let go.

I know I have been complacent. I hesitated and hesitated and got more and more frustrated. I felt farther and farther away from my self.

Action was the only way forward through the fear.

So here I am. I am showing up without expectation. I am holding my self accountable to come here and share my feelings and my story. I am writing what comes through me so that it doesn’t stay and churn within me.

I woke up early today, way earlier than I wanted to, but I couldn’t sleep because the words were there. It was a deep internal knowing that this was the step. The step towards what thing, I do not know, but the step towards feeling a deeper connection to my self is what I am taking.

There are parts of me that have been suppressed under the layers of conditioning over the years, and I have begun the process of unearthing these parts. Piece by piece, day by day, feel by feel, word by word.

Perhaps my process will be helpful to others, perhaps not. If I have found one little nugget of gold among the rubble in my self, it is that the process is what matters. If I am not enjoying the how, even the not knowing how- especially the not knowing how- I am not living my life, I am only trying to plan and control it.

Exhale the fear. Exhale the control. Inhale deeply and do the next best thing. Especially if it scares you.