New Levels. New Devils.

(( Wednesday Dec 28, 2022 ))

Today I am 2 weeks sober, again. It is way better than day 1, and I have had far less week twos than day ones, but every time I find either I truly pray it is the last time I have to say those words. Every milestone in recovery is something to celebrate and also comes with the humbling truth that if you aren’t real with yourself, it you dont stay honest and true to yourself, day one is always one drink away. .

Reovery is no small feat. It is an ongoing process that, for me, must be met with grace, surrender, understanding and tenderness. I have learned that when I avoid writing, I am usually not in a good place. I have been avoiding writing for the greater part of the last 3 years, so…. I do not know how many day ones I have had in that time, but it is many. Yet, with every attempt to walk my self home I learn so much. I have regret, but I also know that what I learn along the way is not lost, even when I am.

It really comes down to the stories I am telling my self. I can have a drink, just one, to celebrate, to relax, to fit in, to have fun, to… whatever it is. Unfortunately for me the way that story begins is generally the same, and thus far the way it progresses is generally the same, but that low point, that bottom, the night or event that sparks the ‘this has to end moment’, well that gets a little bitt lower, a little bit deeper, a little bit darker every time. And that is fucking terrifying.

And yet it is taboo to talk about this shit.

And yet talking about these things makes people uncomfortable.

And yet that is how we loose so many bring lights.

So, just an FYI, this is not comfortable for me. I feel exposed. And raw. And scared. I do not love being vulnerable. But so far, on this journey, I have found over and over again that vulnerability is the only road to true compassion, and that compassion is my truest companion on my path to healing.

With this last relapse, which began in May, my self esteem took a massive hit as I overrode my true nature and healing with numbness and escape routes. I projected my internal struggles on to other people, generally my partner or those closest to me, and focused on what was wrong with them. This is the story, the dangerous story progression. Its ok to check out for a drink, leads to checking out for a few, leads to shame which leads to browning out for a night, which leads to more shame which leads to complete lapses in my memory, leads to a new lowest low, leads to a shitty story about how I am a craptastic human, leads to not wanting to feel craptastic so I project that crap on to others, leads to it is their fault not mine. I am fine. I’M FINE. This is the story on the way down. Look at what they need to fix in their life not me/mine, look at how their shitty crap actions make me have to respond in shitty craptastic ways, look at how they are avoiding themselves. Codependent avoidance much?

And then by the grace of god, whatever god is to you, so far, every time I have been given the chance to wake up from that downward spiral. I am often shocked that I have managed to keep waking up. But here I am.

So, that is where I am at in this moment. In this awkward space that is the last week of each year. In that familiar yet different space of ‘early recover’ once again. I am tender. And raw. And pretty sad. But I am also hopeful, and proud of my self, and giving myself grace. I am slowing down and listening to the monologue in my mind, and choosing to change the stories. I am being vulnerable in order to find compassion for my self and for others.

Its an ongoing process. An evolution. One day at a time as it goes.

(( NOTE from Author on 1/1/2023 ))

I did not publish this last Wednesday on my 2 week date. It felt stupid. I felt inadequate. And to be real, I have shame around my relapse. I also have not even advertised that I am writing/blogging again, so I knew that if I didn’t share this week, no one would notice.

But, also it felt inauthentic, and unhelpful. So, I am just going to add on to what I wrote last Wednesday, and start my year off with openness. The Saturday after my last day one I went to a local meeting. AA is not really my jam, but I respect it and honor that it has saved millions of lives, and that for many it works. I appreciate it and go for the community and to not feel alone, to know that other people suffer with the same things I do, and to know that they also recover from the same things that I do. Anyways, if you have never been to a meeting, when you introduce yourself, you say My name is _______ I am an alcoholic (or addict for Narcotics Annonymous/whatever); I have always felt awkward with those labels, with having to say that about myself. Sure, I had a tumultuous relationship with both alcohol and cocaine. Sure, I know that I am unable to consistently regulate my self when I consume those substances. But an Alcoholic? An Addict? Nope, not me. That meeting I was really shook. I was fucking embarrassed of my self, still had the war marks of my last suarre with booze a few days earilier, and I was very emotional. When I said Hi,, My name is Hilary and I am an Alcoholic/Addict, it was the first time I ever felt the embodiment of those words. I felt them in every cell of my body, vibrating through me to my heart space. It was so clear in that moment how I had dissociated and hid from those labels. I don’t believe that you have to label yourself to assess your relationship with alcohol, or really anything that you question the benefits/detriments of in your life. But when I said those words that night it was like claiming part of my self. Instead of feeling shame around them, I felt like I was addressing my self. And that was fucking powerful. Claiming all the parts of ourselves, especially the dark parts of our selves, gives us the agency to befriend these parts, have compassion for them, and to help heal them. You do not have to label part of your self as Addict, or Victim, or Controlling, or whatever it is; but I now believe that you must feel where they live in your body, acknowledge the role that they have played in your life - ie, numbing helped me from feeling pain/shame, to help me fit in, to help me just not be me cause it is too undcomfortable - thank them, and then let those parts know that they don’t have to do that job anymore, that its ok to just rest now.

Thinking about why I did not post this on Wednesday I guess it felt too vulnerable. My sobriety journey began in 2020 after years of being sober curious,; and my relationship with alcohol and substance use/abuse is complex and deep rooted. My husband is an addict as well. Our marriage has undergone two of his relapses, both of which were emotionally and financially devastating. More shame. I remember starting a blog a few years ago about needing to get sober and my mission which I took down after starting drinking again. I think I still have that post. I am going to share it if I do. Shit I am gonna bring back all the blog posts I have written and taken down and post them here. Because, why not. They are part of my story. I may not align with what I have written in the past, but it is still part of me.

I am learning that in order to heal I have to own all those parts of me, and I have to be vulnerable, which for me means to share my story in writing. I listened to a podcast episode my husband sent me this past weekend with Jay Shetty (what a guy) and Gabor Mate (also, what a guy) having a conversation around addiction and healing. At one point Gabor was speaking about the root word of the word vulnerable and he said that, “Vulnerability is our capacity to be wounded.” Without allowing ourselves to acknowledge and own our wounded parts, how can we ever heal them? We cannot. So here I am, showing up. Still pretty raw. Always pretty emotional. And definitely vulnerable.

I will keep showing up here to share.

For anyone out there that may somehow stumble upon this. If you are struggling in your life in any way, take a deep breath, feel your heart beating, and please, reach out. You do not have to struggle alone. I know a lot of people go fo “Dry January” and that is awesome, I too have done so in the past. If at the end of these 31 days, possibly starting day 1 with some sort of hangover, you feel that removing alcohol from your life added more than it removed, maybe consider that you can keep going.

Switching my mindset from lack to abundance as far as sobriety goes has been immensely helpful and maybe a game changer. It is hard to quit anything when you focus on the fact that you can NEVER have that thing again, when you approach it as depriving your self of something. What if instead you could approach that situation from the perspective that you have so many goals to reach on your wellness journey that keeping alcohol in the mix will prevent you from attaining them. Think of how much more time you will have if you are not spending it drinking, thinking about drinking, buying alcohol and recovering from drinking. I can say that sobriety has been a rollercoaster for me, but even when I have slipped off the track I have not lost any of the countless things I have gained from showing up for another day one, even if there were several of them in a week. Living with a clear mind has allowed me to find myself under all the rubble of pain and shame and depression and fear. It has given me presence. And truth. And commitment. And I have taken as much from my losses as I have from my gains.

So, if you resonate with any of this, know you aren’t alone. Feel free to reach out. Be gentle with your self. And if you need to just take things one moment at a time if a day seems like it may be too much.

I am posting this unedited. So I apologize for any run on sentences, spelling and grammar errors. But I just wanted to get this out there and be real.

Happy 2023. Love you.

When you’ve walked out of your own darkness, it’s great to turn the light on for others.

- Jay Shetty